Bloggin' Ain't So Bad

Every year, I leave my Christmas blog up for a while before updating my blog. Since I send out the email about it with Hotmail, some folks don't get the message right away because it lands in their spam folder. But it's time to update the blog. So here I am. For those of you who have read my blogs in the past, you know that this is one of my main forums to discuss things that are on my mind that I'm trying to resolve for myself. Sort of like the closing scene in Doogie Howswer back in the day. But hopefully more sophisticated. These are the thoughts I carry around with me from day to day.

Over the past two years or so, I've had to keep my time in front of computers to a minimum due to some pretty heavy-duty headache problems. Although I still have the headaches, they are contained much better now.

The other thing, and I think it's probably related, is that I've really not wanted to blog. Not one bit. Actually, I think a great deal of it has been because of the headaches. I just really haven't had much of anything going through my mind for a long time but trying to get healed up. That doesn't make for much captivating writing inspirations.

Thankfully, I'm slowly but surely coming out of the numb funk I've been in for a long, long time. As a matter of fact, I've had some recent revelations about myself that I think are be really important for me to keep healing.

When I was younger (I won't claim oldness yet at 31), as I am now I suppose, I was a pretty wound-up perfectionist. This could lead to me doing well at things I wanted to do well at, like school and sports. Granted, I fell short of my standards quite often, but overall it worked for me. As anyone reading this knows, having a perfectionist approach to friendships and relationships doesn't usually end on a happy note. It's just unfair to the person or persons you are trying to maintain a friendship/relationship with. That didn't stop me from trying, which ultimately ended up as a major letdown for me.

So what's my point? I guess to be more direct about it, with some of the physical healing I've been experiencing, it's helped me realize that I've got some more issues to address in my relationships with people. I hope that those I care about understand that I care about and love them.

As weird as it might sound, I crave some of the emotional roller coasters that come when you really engage in a friendship or relationship. I realize that I've been numbing myself to this as to not experience the hurt part of that roller coaster. And in doing so, I've missed out on the absolute joyfulness that I know could be there if I'd open myself to it.

The crazy part is, in some ways, I am very happy here in Des Moines. My life is pretty settled compared to many points in my life before. I have a job, a house, a great church, awesome friends. There really isn't a whole lot of reason I should be holding back from that perspective.

I think I'll talk about how I got into this state of numbness some other time. And just to put anyone at ease who might be worried, I haven't started abusing things that would be bad for me like drugs or alcohol. No, it's more been a combination of just burying myself in work, and generally mentally closing myself off from things, and avoiding situations that could result in my being emotionally exposed.

But if there is a silver lining in all of this, I believe that these headaches have really forced me to think about these things. And to be grateful for what I have. As I've been going through these thoughts and emotions over the past few weeks especially, I keep coming back to the same thing. The one solution I seem to steadfastly fight against, even though I want to give in. I really, really do.

To just turn over my whole life to God. This idea just freaks me out. I just can't seem to let go. I fight it every day. I don't want to fight. I know life would be so much more beautiful if I could. I would appreciate any prayers you can muster for this. Courage to let go. It would be so beautiful.

On a much lighter and somewhat related note, I've been digging on a band the last couple of weeks I had completely forgotten about. I've taken to just tying in names of songs or bands into YouTube. You can just about anything on YouTube as far as music goes, often rare live and acoustic performances. It's awesome. Anyway, and I can't remember how I landed on it, but I ran back across a band I had completely forgot about for I'm guessing more than two years. That band is Flyleaf. One of the coolest videos I've seen by then is for their song Fully Alive.

They have a pretty cool story, and I think the music is pretty darn good. This version of the song is acoustic. The original version is a lot harder and faster. I love both. Check it out if you are so inclined.

Tomorrow I will be in a training most of the day. I'm guessing it will be just fine. I'm heading to Minnesota to do some work and hanging out with friends this weekend, which I always enjoy. And I plan on getting some good rest tonight. All in all, that's some good stuff.

God's blessings folks, I'll try to be back here soon.

Christmas Blog 2008

Merry Christmas, and welcome to my annual Christmas blog. This blog is coming to you from a different address this year, as I inadvertently deleted my old blog. It’s a long story. At any rate, I come to you here today to tell you what’s been going on since last Christmas. As usual, I have been incredibly blessed this year.

This is my sixth year living in Iowa. I continue to live in Urbandale, Iowa, specifically. Although I never pictured myself living in Iowa at all, I am really enjoying it. I have wanted to slow down and grow some roots in a place for a long time, and I have been able to do that here. It's fantastic. Work, family, friends, and faith have all continued to be fantastic in my humble little city.

At work, I have been living the dream. Granted, my dreams are a bit unique as far as work goes, but that’s how it’s been for me. I still work for Heartland Area Education Agency 11 in the Des Moines, Iowa area. I am getting the chance to focus on work in curriculum alignment, research, and consultation that I spent years preparing for. Iowa is embarking on an incredibly large and important initiative to advance teaching and learning by leaps and bounds. These efforts have great potential to support teachers and students if we fully capitalize on this opportunity. And I get to be in the room for a great deal of it. It’s a dream and an honor for me.

All is good on the family front. My brother and sister-in-law are still living in Lancaster, CA. They continue to make progress with their church-planting efforts. The name of their church is The Well. I have absolutely no clue how to do anything they are doing, but from where I’m sitting, it’s a monumentally huge task. I’m very proud of everything they have accomplished so far, and what they will certainly accomplish in the future.

My folks continue to be happy and healthy in St. Louis. My mom is still teaching, and my dad still works for True Value Hardware doing a variety of things, including a heavy dose of driving delivery trucks around the city. I’m lucky to be able to see them fairly often. They were able to visit and see my church’s new worship center, and we got to hang out and relax together. Here’s hoping they get to settle into a new house soon (knock on wood), kick back, and relax even more.

I continue to believe that I have the greatest friends in the world. At work, at church, and all over the country. I have always been blessed to have friends that have amazing character and integrity. I never feel the need to be anyone but myself with them. Most years at this time, I am also thinking about my friends that moved away from Iowa. I inevitably forget to name someone here who is dear to me. I have to give a belated, one-year delayed shout out to my buddy Luke who with his wife moved back home to Michigan. I’m pretty convinced Luke’s and my family must have been at least distant relatives several generations ago somewhere in Europe. It’s crazy. What up Luke!

Anyway, my friend Stephanie decided to move to Hawaii, which by all accounts has been a great fulfillment of her longing for a great life adventure. And she is missed by me and many others back in Iowa. This year, I have had the great opportunity to actually have a friend move back after having moved away. My friend Jen, along with her kids, are back in Iowa from Washington. Thankfully, we were able to keep touch while she was gone. Nevertheless, it’s much better having her back in Iowa.

In addition to all of these blessings, I am very grateful for God’s willingness to always be with me, regardless of how much I fight it kicking and screaming sometimes. I have watched God bless those around me in such wonderful ways. The One Body special needs ministry continues to grow, well beyond the walls of Lutheran Church of Hope. I can only hope that my contributions to this ministry are even a fraction of the blessing I get from being a part of it. And it blows me away every time I get to worship there. It’s absolutely amazing, moving every time.

Most of all, I want to thank anyone reading this blog. I may talk to you a little or a lot, or maybe we have yet to talk face to face. Regardless, I am grateful you took the time to read some of my thoughts here today. And to those of you that I already know, please know that you are loved by me. I hope that this year has been great to you. And I hope that this next year is even better.

God’s Blessings,

Brad

Starting Over

Well, I suppose that when one doesn't attend to his blog for months, and accidentally deletes his Google account in the interim, then one's blog may very well get deleted. Such is the case for yours truly. So, here I am today, new blog and all.

Since I wasn't expecting my blog to have disappeared, I haven't planned anything in particular to write. I am currently kickin' it old school with Roach. We've been watching Cardinals games all weekend. We've gone hiking, and smoked painfully cheap cigars. And apparently, slowed down substantially as we've reached the milestone of walking the earth for 30 fine years. Nevertheless, a good time has been had. He'll be heading back to the Lou soon.

Beyond that, I'm in full relaxation mode. The weekends are good for me to catch up on much needed rest. It's been an adventurous year, really. I haven't blogged about my health woes at all. No need to put it all here. Suffice to say, I've had a headache for over a year. It's getting better, but it's a very long road. But I am glad to be on the mend. I have received many blessings as a result of having the health. I've had a renewed focus on my mental, physical, and spiritual well-being, and a better more realistic perspective on taking care of myself.

Beyond that, I am quite hungry at the moment, and must feed my belly. I'll try to find some inspiring topics to blog about :).