Trust Part II

A friend of mine from my Wisconsin days visited me the other day. He was on his way through to Colorado to officiate a wedding of a mutual friend of ours. Part of our ropes course clan. It was great to see him. It had been way too long, as these things are prone to be.

One of the most powerful things about the ropes course experience is the level of trust that is needed to do it. You are literally putting your life in the hands of others. Let me tell you, you bond quickly out there under those conditions. That is one of the main points of doing a ropes course: to grow in your trust.

My lack of trust has been exposed to me again lately. I just got a new puppy, seen here


With all of my training in psychology, doing homework on the subject of dogs, and watching tons of the Dog Whisperer :), this little guy has been a handful. On the surface, I feel like it exposes my lack of patience. And it does. Mostly with myself of course. But if I look at it deeper, it is most definitely a lack of trust. Not trusting myself to do a good job. Or, perhaps more importantly, not trusting myself to fail.

This all points toward my lack of ability to put my full trust in God. I know, that sounds like a leap. It's not just the dog thing. Or a ropes course thing. Part of the sermon in church today focused on putting your faith in God, turning your life over to him. I feel like I've been able to do that at times, but full surrender? Nope. Scares the jeepers straight into, or out of, me. Not sure which was that goes. But whatever it is, I have it.

Pray for trust. I want to keep exploring this. I am surrounded by opportunities all day to trust or not trust. Sadly, I more often than not pick the latter. I would like that to change though. I need to start with tonight.

Deep breaths....

Relax...

Faith...

I want and need liberation. That sounds nice, right? I think it sure does.

Trust

I'm not going to blog much here tonight. I just wanted to get some of my thoughts down to start. I have been thinking a lot about trust the past week or so. Not because I had a really negative experience. Quite the opposite. Things have been pretty good lately. Trust....

Where do we place our trust? Why do we decide to trust or not trust? Who or what should we place trust in? How do the concepts of trust and faith the same? How are they different?

I really haven't gotten very far yet thinking about these questions and others. But I feel like this is fertile ground for personal, professional, and spiritual growth for me. I think I need to reflect on my history, and understand how trust (well- or ill-placed) has played a role in impacting my growth and development over the years.

Right off the bat, I feel like I need to accept when some of the trust I've had has been violated. And to embrace when trust has paid off. And when I should have trusted and didn't.

This feels really deep to me right now. Like, I really want to explore it and embrace it. Good things can come from this. Thank the Lord for that.

Growing Up in a Rainstorm

When I walked out of church this morning, I had an old, familiar feeling come across me. A thunderstorm. The skies were gray, just waiting to open up. No sooner had I reached my car than it started to pour, accompanied by lightening and thunder. Glorious! I love a good thunderstorm.

One of the truly great pleasures in this world is to experience a summer thunderstorm in the Midwest. God's world comes alive in a new way. I have some very simple, yet great memories that are triggered by thunderstorms. Playing outside in the rain on several different occasions. Sitting in my house growing up, eating pizza and watching a movie with the fam while rain absolutely pounded the roof. So loud that we had to turn the volume up on the TV for a bit. Getting into my tent after a long hike in the rain, stripping out of my wet clothes, and taking the most glorious 3-hour nap I've ever had, with the rain pounding down on my rainfly. Yep, many great memories are triggered by thunderstorms. I had myself a pretty great nap today during a storm, as a matter of fact.

In some ways, thunderstorms represent something familiar to me. They come, they go. Each one unique, yet the same. Violent and unsettling, yet beautiful and necessary. I realize blogging about weather isn't exactly the most interesting and profound thing to blog about. I think it just dawned on me sitting here that I've been in the middle of a thunderstorm of sorts for a while, but I'm now just coming to grips with what I have to do.

When we are babies and toddlers, we have an innate instinct to make sure our parents are close by as we explore the world. As we continue to grow, we want to make sure our parents are proud of us. In many ways, I think this holds for ever and ever. As we explore, and seek to please, we are at the same time trying to establish our own identity. I was with my friend Kristin and her two kids. Her youngest is almost two years old, and found of saying "I do it" when she wants to try things herself. I think we all continue to say this, while still looking for that safety net in case we fall. Every time we succeed in our "I do it" moments, we build confidence to try new things. Every time we fall into our safety net, we receive comfort for our fall, and are encouraged to try again. To continue to grow.

Unfortunately, as we grow older (and in the saddest of situations, some kids never have a reliable safety net), sometimes we don't have access to a safety net. Or we think we don't. That's satan at work, no doubt. God is the ultimate safety net, even if we choose to try and explore our lives without him. We must seek out that safety net. But perhaps equally important, I think we have to faithfully "try again" after God catches us.

These thoughts really just swept over me today. I think I've got some exploring of the world in store, but I've been scared to do it. I keep holding on to safety nets, not even willing to see how much I can do. I'm not sure this glorifies God. Actually, I'm pretty sure it doesn't.

I've had the chance to look in the mirror a lot lately. Both literally and figuratively. Personally and professionally. That might sound a bit cliche. So be it. I have. Unfortunately, I think I let satan into my self-reflection times way too much. I had a chance to look in the mirror today at church, and liked what I saw. Vain? Lol. No. But it sure was nice to do that.

When I look in the mirror professionally, I think I've had some new realizations. It's time to step up. I think in some ways I've tried to stay too close to my safety nets. Or maybe I've just expected too much from safety nets. God has tremendously blessed me with my work. It's time to strive for my potential. Especially now, since things have been pretty stormy for me professionally the last couple of years. This is scary and exciting all the same.

In keeping with my theme, here is my music for the moment. I often get into ruts with my music, listening to the same song/artist until I grind it straight into the ground. But I came across this video from one of my favorite, recent movies, Juno. Great version of this song. Soak it up, this is quality.

Deserving More

This week has been my first week back to work since my California vacation. It was my parents 40th wedding anniversary, which is pretty amazing if you ask me. And they decided they wanted the fam to all be together to celebrate, which was doubly awesome. So, I met up with them in Vegas (their pre-anniversary vacation destination), road-tripped it to Cali, and we had a ball.

I'll try to post some pics on Facebook. If you aren't my Facebook friend yet, just send the ol' friend request, and I'll accept. I like having Facebook friends. Then you can maybe see my vacation pictures if I ever post them. :)

It was a blast. We went to San Diego, which is officially one of my favorite places ever. I feel like I barely saw any of it, and it just seems like Heaven on earth to me. It was great to be there, and great to spend the time their with family. We don't see each other nearly enough.

This whole experience is contrasted by work, which honestly, well, I make it a point to not put too many specifics about work in my blog. It's not the appropriate forum for it. I'll just say this...I deserve more. I know on the surface that sounds really selfish. I've had to search my heart a lot about this, and I can't push it aside any longer. God has blessed me with time on this earth to do His will. It is simply not ok to continue the way I have been. It doesn't glorify God, and I'm not being a good steward of what he has blessed me with.

I don't know what the future holds with work. But I do know this...I deserve more, because God deserves better of me. It started crystallizing quickly towards the end of the day. It became clearer during physical therapy. And it finally washed over me like a tidal wave during worship at Immersion tonight. Which, by the way, I don't go to nearly enough. I love worship at Immersion.

Anyway, I'm feeling calm about it again now. Calm, as in, I see a direction that I need to take, and I feel good about it. Submitting to God is such a relief. I pray that I can continue to seek His will for my life, and that I pursue it relentlessly.

What's really awesome in this little God discussion I'm having is that this week has been bookended by not only Immersion tonight, but Taste of Hope last weekend, as well as worship last weekend. I am very blessed by all of these experiences.

Tomorrow, I'm off to St. Paul again for a little work and a lot of play. I love that city dag nabbit. It's always a good time. Before I sign off, I'd like to post another music video. Music is just such a huge part of all our lives, I like to share what's moving me. This video is to a song I just heard for the first time. It's a great worship song. Really put me at ease tonight. I hope you enjoy.

Fargo Bliss and Other Ramblings

One reason I don't blog very often is that it takes me forever to do it. I am a slow writer. And a perfectionist. And I'm trying to stay away from my computer while not at work. But, I wanted to get people at least a little caught up if you are checking my blog.

One of the benefits of having a "summer break" if you work in education is that it's a great chance to reset the switch, so to speak. I can put the past school year behind me, get re-focused on other things, and be somewhat recharged to get after it again. I really don't have the luxury of extended summer breaks anymore. But I did get a chance to take a little over two weeks off at the end of June. It took me a while, but I was finally able to reset my switch. Fargo did the trick.

I went to Fargo to visit my very dear friends Dawn and Jon. That may not sound like a hotspot for a summer vacation, but it was for me. They have about 9 acres out in the country, and a six-month old who is just figuring out how to sit up on his own. Tons of fun. Jon and I got to powerwash their deck. Also tons of fun.

It's so great to be around them. It just feels like family to me for some reason. They are kindred spirits. It was finally on my drive back to Iowa that I had that little epiphany moment of "I don't have to be dictated by timelines and deadlines right now." I stopped at a little hiking trail in the Loess Hills region. I took pictures, but I don't think they are really worth posting. I enjoy them, but that's probably about it on that front.

I have such a hard time slowing things down. Frustrations come too quickly, and relaxation and calmness come way too slow, because I can't keep my brain from stopping. But every since I went to Fargo, I've been able to slow things down a bit. Pray that I can keep that up, God willing.

There is actually another thing, one of several I guess, that has helped me feel a little about the world. I have an affinity for Disney's Pixar movies. I really have no desire to watch or participate in any other Disney things. Nothing wrong with them necessarily, just really not my cup of tea. But the Pixar movies are just awesome, starting back with Toy Story. The weird thing, to me anyway, is that I never want to see them when they first come out. I just happen to run across them, and fall in love with them. The latest version of this for me was the movie Wall-E.

This might sound like a bit of an exaggeration, but Wall-E is one of the most amazing movies I've ever seen. The animation is of course beyond awesome. The story is great. One of the biggest things that blew me away is that they were able to tell an awesome story with a fairly major chunk of it having no real dialogue. It was just robots emoting and experiences all of these feelings that we all feel, whether we care to admit it out loud or not. This movie just pulled me right in. I've posted a pretty cool trailer below.



Here is the take home point for me with all of this. These are two really positive things that have accompanied me since my last blog. There have been many others as well. The common theme for me has been love and acceptance. We are made for this. I know, as Roach has told me several times before, that it is not natural to fight love, or to believe you are not worthy of it.

In having these experiences, and slowing down and being quiet just a bit the past few weeks, these things seem truer for me. That makes me happy. Pray for my brain to slow down, to run at a turtle's pace. Pray for others, or even yourself, to be open to love and all things beautiful. Be still, be quiet, and be satisfied.

Into the Mild

I just got done watching the movie Into the Wild. I know, I know. I should have watched it a long time ago. It seems that despite my love for movies of all shapes and sizes, and I woefully behind in my movie viewing. Perhaps I'll weave that topic in here later. Back to my point...watching this movie tonight was very timely for me. God has a funny way of working it all out that way, doesn't he?

I am officially on Day 8 of 16. That is, sixteen consecutive days of vacation. An amazing blessing. I definitely need it. As most of you who are reading this know, and maybe I even blogged about it and forgot, but I have had a headache since, best as I can remember, October of 2007. Honestly, I think this headache has been the culmination of many, many years not taking care of myself physically, emotionally, or spiritually in the way I should have.

I remember growing up, as my parents will attest, that if I didn't go out and run around for two or three days, I ended up pretty grumpy and being an overall pain in the rear end. Since I moved to Iowa, and even to an extent in Wisconsin before that, I go months without going outside and running around. I have replaced it with work, work, and more work.

I genuinely believe that this lack of exercise, combined with a perfectionist approach to the world, has led me down a not-so-fun path. A path of not only never being satisfied, but to a slowly decaying sense of well being that has spanned about 8 or 9 years. Don't get me wrong, I can intellectually realize how blessed I am to have all I have. But my day-to-day experience is more one of numbness, a pursuit of seeking relief from the perfectionistic goals. Goals I have set for myself for the sake of whatever I perceive perfection to be at any given moment in time. It's one of those vicious circle things that doesn't really ever end. Try as I might to externalize all of this as someone or something else's fault, I must own 100% of it.

I was having a conversation about one particular portion of my life that this impacts with one of my very best friends Roach. Roach and I have been through an awful lot together. College drama, check. Work drama, check. Moral drama, check. Girl drama, check. I can take pretty much anything to him, and know that he will provide me with wisdom and support. Roach recently got engaged to an awesome girl, and I can't put into words how happy I am for him. They are most deserving of each other, and their life together will be grand and will glorify the Lord I know.

It had been some time since we had a good heart-to-heart. I don't know why really. It just was. But it was great to have one the other night. I'll save some of the details :). But he reiterated a wonderful bit of wisdom several times to me, wisdom that relates to love. Love of family and friends. Love in couples. Love for Jesus. Love. How we need love. How we are built for love, both to give and to receive.

This wisdom stood opposed to how I was feeling about myself and the idea of love. It also serves as a giant mallet to the wall of numbness that surrounds me. Numbness that has set in due to my distance from God, a result of my trying to pursue Novocain to sooth the hurt that comes from love gone astray.

Now, for my regular qualifier so people don't worry...I haven't resorted to a life of addiction, etc. I am ok in that regard. My novocain has been much more subtle, and mainly in removing myself further and further into my own mind, and then turning off my mind to many feelings in an effort to not have the loss of love pain my soul.

But we weren't made to live that way. Roach's words stay with me. He is right, but I don't want to admit it. I love my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law. This is safe. I love Roach. This is safe. Not to diminish those relationships. Just the opposite. That love stands in many ways as the glimmer of hope I have that love is still possible.

In the movie, Into the Wild, the main character is in search of freedom, as he puts it. God's love is all around us he says at one point. We can see it everywhere if we look for it. "So true," I said to myself sitting on my couch, in front of my 55-inch TV. As I was watching this movie unfold, I wondered how it would end. I won't spoil it for folks who haven't seen it. I'll just say I knew the general arch of the story before I watched it. Here is what I'll say though. The real motivation for this character's travels, his motivation, was masked behind his story of pursuing freedom.

Again, without spoiling it for anyone, this story was about love and companionship. I didn't even see it until the end. Despite all of the bravery of this character, it was about love and companionship.

Why can't I get myself off the mark? Am I really so fragile? I am. I am.

Once upon a time, I used to believe that it was ok to be fragile. Even to be admired for recognizing it, but doing what was necessary to take care of yourself, so you didn't break. I give the lip service often, but don't genuinely believe it. At least, not for myself. Not again. But I want to. At least, I want to start believing that it's ok to love.

I am grateful for the love I do have. I would be totally lost without it. There seems to be one huge relationship I need to take the plunge with. I have been told repeatedly that love will always be reciprocated, no matter what I do in this relationship. But I've got the lies in my head to lead me astray. But it's right there. How does the children's song go? I think we're all at least familiar with the first line: "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..."

I fight this liking a bucking bronco. I don't want to. I want the sweet release of just diving into this loving relationship. My soul desperately needs it. Yes, God's love can been seen everywhere, not just in people. But God made us to leave each other as well. And to love Him. I want to, I don't want to fight it. I don't, I don't, I don't.

My mind won't stop. I need it to stop. I want it to focus on nurturing my relationship with God. I feel like I've been wandering in the wild for years, running from Him but making sure it doesn't look like I'm trying to run away, even to myself. But I have been. I want to gobble it all up at once, to sprint straight towards Him all at once. Failure to get to Him right away is failure.

But this is twisted, I know. Sprint, absolutely. But we wouldn't have needed Jesus to die for us if all was just fine and dandy as it was. But it wasn't, and it isn't for me today. Where is that balance between knowing that as a sinner I will sin, and that it will be ok, but not to treat it like a get-out-of-jail-free card? I have no idea. I need to learn.

I am reading the Psalms right now. Very slowly, but I am reading them. I am no psalmist like David. But here is a prayer that is just sort of flowing from me right now:

Lord, I so desperately want and need you, but I keep running away instead. When it's convenient and easy, I'll dip my toe in the water for people to see. To make myself feel like I'm heading down the right path. But I don't keep it there for long. And rarely is it ever more than a toe or two at a time at that.

It's scary. I don't know why I am scared of You. Maybe it's just that I'm scared to let go of the things that I have propping me up. I won't know how to stand. I'm afraid to lean on You. Lord, you know I am a sinner's sinner. You know my heart, as much as I don't want You to.

Lord, I need your help. I can't keep my mind and soul quiet long enough to speak to You hardly ever, much less be in Your word or listen to You in the many ways I know You try to communicate with me. In other words, my relationship with You, from my end of it, is a mess. I don't feel like I deserve Your efforts, yet You still linger there, just waiting to be my everything.

So, I'm asking You in a pretty public way here, please help me. I want to be with You every day. I want You to feel love coming back from me. I may continue to need many years of healing on the love front outside of my those I've got in my heart now, and with You for that matter, but please help me.

It's hard to feel it deeply at the moment, but I know You are awesome. Help to quiet my troubled soul, so I can hear You. I want to hear You, and I want to love You first and foremost. Thank You, God. Thank You.

Whew! That's quite a dump, huh? Reading this blog is not for the faint of heart. This is where I come to dump, a lot. Call it a pity party if you'd like. Ok, most of you wouldn't do that :). But I need this place, and thank anyone who has made it all the way to the end of this blog. Thanks very, very much. You are a blessing to me.

The Luxery of Ceiling Fans and Other Misguided Desires

This may sound like a bit of a broken record, but I'm really wanting to get back into this blog a bit. We'll see how I do.

Pastor Mike gave a really good sermon on Sunday about the Psalms. He was actually introducing the first of several sermons based on the Psalms. It's not up on the web yet. But if you go here and look for the sermon dated 2009.05.30, you'll be in the right place. It should be up in the next day or two I'd guess.

Anywho, Pastor always makes several great points during his sermons. One that really stuck with me is how beautiful the Psalms are. I have to admit, I've tried to dig into Psalms several times, with this anticipation of how great they are supposed to be. But then, I just can't get into it. Which stinks, because I'd really like to get into them. So, I'm giving it another shot.

This is actually the segway into my real points of this blog.

Expectations. We all have them. Growing up, like most every little child I've ever met, my expectations were usually pretty high. I'd like to believe I was an optimist. I think I still am, actually, by most accounts. Sometimes my expectations we met or exceeded, and other times not at all. Typical stuff. The thing that's getting me right now, at this point in my life, is how even when my expectations are met or exceeded with something, I tend to milk it so much that the thing I was enjoying so much no longer meets my expectations.

Here is a good example. I happened across this video a while back.



This video is just so beautiful on so many levels. Musically. Lyrically. And just watching God be so present in what is happening. I feel like I can see see this so clearly just by the expression on David Crowder's face. It's a beauty I can't describe. So what do I do...I sit and play it over and over and over again until I can't see the beauty as it once was. I just saturate myself to the point that I'm actually numb to everything else around me as well.

Back to Pastor's sermon. He talked about taking your time when you read the Psalms, to just be bathed in them. I am not good at this. Taking my time, just letting God lead the way. It has to be on my time, my terms. I feel so much better when I turn everything off, and just soak up the silence. Be present in God's word in the Bible, or in the other aspects of His creation.

I was sitting on my couch a couple of days ago, before Pastor's sermon actually. I was feeling a little warm, so I turned on my ceiling fan. I just sat there, windows open, ceiling fan on, everything else turned off. I just stared at my ceiling fan for a while, felt the cool breeze slowly sweep over me. It was heavenly. I just sat there, thinking "I can't believe someone was so awesomely inspired as to invent this luxurious invention known as the ceiling fan." Seriously, I just thought it was the most luxurious thing one could own, this thing that keeps you cool when you get too hot. I felt comfortable and blessed. Once I sat and enjoyed the fan for a few minutes, I went on to get some work done. And it wasn't too stressful or anything. I just did it. It was fine.

My point: enjoy all of God's blessings, no matter how big or small they may seem. Sounds easy enough, but it is SO HARD for me to do. But I have been encouraged by these events. So much so as to blog about it. As soon as I'm done with this blog, I'm going to turn on some more Jars music, sit in the dark for a bit, and then read some Psalms. Life is pretty good, I must say.