Bloggin' Ain't So Bad

Every year, I leave my Christmas blog up for a while before updating my blog. Since I send out the email about it with Hotmail, some folks don't get the message right away because it lands in their spam folder. But it's time to update the blog. So here I am. For those of you who have read my blogs in the past, you know that this is one of my main forums to discuss things that are on my mind that I'm trying to resolve for myself. Sort of like the closing scene in Doogie Howswer back in the day. But hopefully more sophisticated. These are the thoughts I carry around with me from day to day.

Over the past two years or so, I've had to keep my time in front of computers to a minimum due to some pretty heavy-duty headache problems. Although I still have the headaches, they are contained much better now.

The other thing, and I think it's probably related, is that I've really not wanted to blog. Not one bit. Actually, I think a great deal of it has been because of the headaches. I just really haven't had much of anything going through my mind for a long time but trying to get healed up. That doesn't make for much captivating writing inspirations.

Thankfully, I'm slowly but surely coming out of the numb funk I've been in for a long, long time. As a matter of fact, I've had some recent revelations about myself that I think are be really important for me to keep healing.

When I was younger (I won't claim oldness yet at 31), as I am now I suppose, I was a pretty wound-up perfectionist. This could lead to me doing well at things I wanted to do well at, like school and sports. Granted, I fell short of my standards quite often, but overall it worked for me. As anyone reading this knows, having a perfectionist approach to friendships and relationships doesn't usually end on a happy note. It's just unfair to the person or persons you are trying to maintain a friendship/relationship with. That didn't stop me from trying, which ultimately ended up as a major letdown for me.

So what's my point? I guess to be more direct about it, with some of the physical healing I've been experiencing, it's helped me realize that I've got some more issues to address in my relationships with people. I hope that those I care about understand that I care about and love them.

As weird as it might sound, I crave some of the emotional roller coasters that come when you really engage in a friendship or relationship. I realize that I've been numbing myself to this as to not experience the hurt part of that roller coaster. And in doing so, I've missed out on the absolute joyfulness that I know could be there if I'd open myself to it.

The crazy part is, in some ways, I am very happy here in Des Moines. My life is pretty settled compared to many points in my life before. I have a job, a house, a great church, awesome friends. There really isn't a whole lot of reason I should be holding back from that perspective.

I think I'll talk about how I got into this state of numbness some other time. And just to put anyone at ease who might be worried, I haven't started abusing things that would be bad for me like drugs or alcohol. No, it's more been a combination of just burying myself in work, and generally mentally closing myself off from things, and avoiding situations that could result in my being emotionally exposed.

But if there is a silver lining in all of this, I believe that these headaches have really forced me to think about these things. And to be grateful for what I have. As I've been going through these thoughts and emotions over the past few weeks especially, I keep coming back to the same thing. The one solution I seem to steadfastly fight against, even though I want to give in. I really, really do.

To just turn over my whole life to God. This idea just freaks me out. I just can't seem to let go. I fight it every day. I don't want to fight. I know life would be so much more beautiful if I could. I would appreciate any prayers you can muster for this. Courage to let go. It would be so beautiful.

On a much lighter and somewhat related note, I've been digging on a band the last couple of weeks I had completely forgotten about. I've taken to just tying in names of songs or bands into YouTube. You can just about anything on YouTube as far as music goes, often rare live and acoustic performances. It's awesome. Anyway, and I can't remember how I landed on it, but I ran back across a band I had completely forgot about for I'm guessing more than two years. That band is Flyleaf. One of the coolest videos I've seen by then is for their song Fully Alive.

They have a pretty cool story, and I think the music is pretty darn good. This version of the song is acoustic. The original version is a lot harder and faster. I love both. Check it out if you are so inclined.

Tomorrow I will be in a training most of the day. I'm guessing it will be just fine. I'm heading to Minnesota to do some work and hanging out with friends this weekend, which I always enjoy. And I plan on getting some good rest tonight. All in all, that's some good stuff.

God's blessings folks, I'll try to be back here soon.