Into the Mild

I just got done watching the movie Into the Wild. I know, I know. I should have watched it a long time ago. It seems that despite my love for movies of all shapes and sizes, and I woefully behind in my movie viewing. Perhaps I'll weave that topic in here later. Back to my point...watching this movie tonight was very timely for me. God has a funny way of working it all out that way, doesn't he?

I am officially on Day 8 of 16. That is, sixteen consecutive days of vacation. An amazing blessing. I definitely need it. As most of you who are reading this know, and maybe I even blogged about it and forgot, but I have had a headache since, best as I can remember, October of 2007. Honestly, I think this headache has been the culmination of many, many years not taking care of myself physically, emotionally, or spiritually in the way I should have.

I remember growing up, as my parents will attest, that if I didn't go out and run around for two or three days, I ended up pretty grumpy and being an overall pain in the rear end. Since I moved to Iowa, and even to an extent in Wisconsin before that, I go months without going outside and running around. I have replaced it with work, work, and more work.

I genuinely believe that this lack of exercise, combined with a perfectionist approach to the world, has led me down a not-so-fun path. A path of not only never being satisfied, but to a slowly decaying sense of well being that has spanned about 8 or 9 years. Don't get me wrong, I can intellectually realize how blessed I am to have all I have. But my day-to-day experience is more one of numbness, a pursuit of seeking relief from the perfectionistic goals. Goals I have set for myself for the sake of whatever I perceive perfection to be at any given moment in time. It's one of those vicious circle things that doesn't really ever end. Try as I might to externalize all of this as someone or something else's fault, I must own 100% of it.

I was having a conversation about one particular portion of my life that this impacts with one of my very best friends Roach. Roach and I have been through an awful lot together. College drama, check. Work drama, check. Moral drama, check. Girl drama, check. I can take pretty much anything to him, and know that he will provide me with wisdom and support. Roach recently got engaged to an awesome girl, and I can't put into words how happy I am for him. They are most deserving of each other, and their life together will be grand and will glorify the Lord I know.

It had been some time since we had a good heart-to-heart. I don't know why really. It just was. But it was great to have one the other night. I'll save some of the details :). But he reiterated a wonderful bit of wisdom several times to me, wisdom that relates to love. Love of family and friends. Love in couples. Love for Jesus. Love. How we need love. How we are built for love, both to give and to receive.

This wisdom stood opposed to how I was feeling about myself and the idea of love. It also serves as a giant mallet to the wall of numbness that surrounds me. Numbness that has set in due to my distance from God, a result of my trying to pursue Novocain to sooth the hurt that comes from love gone astray.

Now, for my regular qualifier so people don't worry...I haven't resorted to a life of addiction, etc. I am ok in that regard. My novocain has been much more subtle, and mainly in removing myself further and further into my own mind, and then turning off my mind to many feelings in an effort to not have the loss of love pain my soul.

But we weren't made to live that way. Roach's words stay with me. He is right, but I don't want to admit it. I love my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law. This is safe. I love Roach. This is safe. Not to diminish those relationships. Just the opposite. That love stands in many ways as the glimmer of hope I have that love is still possible.

In the movie, Into the Wild, the main character is in search of freedom, as he puts it. God's love is all around us he says at one point. We can see it everywhere if we look for it. "So true," I said to myself sitting on my couch, in front of my 55-inch TV. As I was watching this movie unfold, I wondered how it would end. I won't spoil it for folks who haven't seen it. I'll just say I knew the general arch of the story before I watched it. Here is what I'll say though. The real motivation for this character's travels, his motivation, was masked behind his story of pursuing freedom.

Again, without spoiling it for anyone, this story was about love and companionship. I didn't even see it until the end. Despite all of the bravery of this character, it was about love and companionship.

Why can't I get myself off the mark? Am I really so fragile? I am. I am.

Once upon a time, I used to believe that it was ok to be fragile. Even to be admired for recognizing it, but doing what was necessary to take care of yourself, so you didn't break. I give the lip service often, but don't genuinely believe it. At least, not for myself. Not again. But I want to. At least, I want to start believing that it's ok to love.

I am grateful for the love I do have. I would be totally lost without it. There seems to be one huge relationship I need to take the plunge with. I have been told repeatedly that love will always be reciprocated, no matter what I do in this relationship. But I've got the lies in my head to lead me astray. But it's right there. How does the children's song go? I think we're all at least familiar with the first line: "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..."

I fight this liking a bucking bronco. I don't want to. I want the sweet release of just diving into this loving relationship. My soul desperately needs it. Yes, God's love can been seen everywhere, not just in people. But God made us to leave each other as well. And to love Him. I want to, I don't want to fight it. I don't, I don't, I don't.

My mind won't stop. I need it to stop. I want it to focus on nurturing my relationship with God. I feel like I've been wandering in the wild for years, running from Him but making sure it doesn't look like I'm trying to run away, even to myself. But I have been. I want to gobble it all up at once, to sprint straight towards Him all at once. Failure to get to Him right away is failure.

But this is twisted, I know. Sprint, absolutely. But we wouldn't have needed Jesus to die for us if all was just fine and dandy as it was. But it wasn't, and it isn't for me today. Where is that balance between knowing that as a sinner I will sin, and that it will be ok, but not to treat it like a get-out-of-jail-free card? I have no idea. I need to learn.

I am reading the Psalms right now. Very slowly, but I am reading them. I am no psalmist like David. But here is a prayer that is just sort of flowing from me right now:

Lord, I so desperately want and need you, but I keep running away instead. When it's convenient and easy, I'll dip my toe in the water for people to see. To make myself feel like I'm heading down the right path. But I don't keep it there for long. And rarely is it ever more than a toe or two at a time at that.

It's scary. I don't know why I am scared of You. Maybe it's just that I'm scared to let go of the things that I have propping me up. I won't know how to stand. I'm afraid to lean on You. Lord, you know I am a sinner's sinner. You know my heart, as much as I don't want You to.

Lord, I need your help. I can't keep my mind and soul quiet long enough to speak to You hardly ever, much less be in Your word or listen to You in the many ways I know You try to communicate with me. In other words, my relationship with You, from my end of it, is a mess. I don't feel like I deserve Your efforts, yet You still linger there, just waiting to be my everything.

So, I'm asking You in a pretty public way here, please help me. I want to be with You every day. I want You to feel love coming back from me. I may continue to need many years of healing on the love front outside of my those I've got in my heart now, and with You for that matter, but please help me.

It's hard to feel it deeply at the moment, but I know You are awesome. Help to quiet my troubled soul, so I can hear You. I want to hear You, and I want to love You first and foremost. Thank You, God. Thank You.

Whew! That's quite a dump, huh? Reading this blog is not for the faint of heart. This is where I come to dump, a lot. Call it a pity party if you'd like. Ok, most of you wouldn't do that :). But I need this place, and thank anyone who has made it all the way to the end of this blog. Thanks very, very much. You are a blessing to me.

The Luxery of Ceiling Fans and Other Misguided Desires

This may sound like a bit of a broken record, but I'm really wanting to get back into this blog a bit. We'll see how I do.

Pastor Mike gave a really good sermon on Sunday about the Psalms. He was actually introducing the first of several sermons based on the Psalms. It's not up on the web yet. But if you go here and look for the sermon dated 2009.05.30, you'll be in the right place. It should be up in the next day or two I'd guess.

Anywho, Pastor always makes several great points during his sermons. One that really stuck with me is how beautiful the Psalms are. I have to admit, I've tried to dig into Psalms several times, with this anticipation of how great they are supposed to be. But then, I just can't get into it. Which stinks, because I'd really like to get into them. So, I'm giving it another shot.

This is actually the segway into my real points of this blog.

Expectations. We all have them. Growing up, like most every little child I've ever met, my expectations were usually pretty high. I'd like to believe I was an optimist. I think I still am, actually, by most accounts. Sometimes my expectations we met or exceeded, and other times not at all. Typical stuff. The thing that's getting me right now, at this point in my life, is how even when my expectations are met or exceeded with something, I tend to milk it so much that the thing I was enjoying so much no longer meets my expectations.

Here is a good example. I happened across this video a while back.



This video is just so beautiful on so many levels. Musically. Lyrically. And just watching God be so present in what is happening. I feel like I can see see this so clearly just by the expression on David Crowder's face. It's a beauty I can't describe. So what do I do...I sit and play it over and over and over again until I can't see the beauty as it once was. I just saturate myself to the point that I'm actually numb to everything else around me as well.

Back to Pastor's sermon. He talked about taking your time when you read the Psalms, to just be bathed in them. I am not good at this. Taking my time, just letting God lead the way. It has to be on my time, my terms. I feel so much better when I turn everything off, and just soak up the silence. Be present in God's word in the Bible, or in the other aspects of His creation.

I was sitting on my couch a couple of days ago, before Pastor's sermon actually. I was feeling a little warm, so I turned on my ceiling fan. I just sat there, windows open, ceiling fan on, everything else turned off. I just stared at my ceiling fan for a while, felt the cool breeze slowly sweep over me. It was heavenly. I just sat there, thinking "I can't believe someone was so awesomely inspired as to invent this luxurious invention known as the ceiling fan." Seriously, I just thought it was the most luxurious thing one could own, this thing that keeps you cool when you get too hot. I felt comfortable and blessed. Once I sat and enjoyed the fan for a few minutes, I went on to get some work done. And it wasn't too stressful or anything. I just did it. It was fine.

My point: enjoy all of God's blessings, no matter how big or small they may seem. Sounds easy enough, but it is SO HARD for me to do. But I have been encouraged by these events. So much so as to blog about it. As soon as I'm done with this blog, I'm going to turn on some more Jars music, sit in the dark for a bit, and then read some Psalms. Life is pretty good, I must say.