Into the Mild

I just got done watching the movie Into the Wild. I know, I know. I should have watched it a long time ago. It seems that despite my love for movies of all shapes and sizes, and I woefully behind in my movie viewing. Perhaps I'll weave that topic in here later. Back to my point...watching this movie tonight was very timely for me. God has a funny way of working it all out that way, doesn't he?

I am officially on Day 8 of 16. That is, sixteen consecutive days of vacation. An amazing blessing. I definitely need it. As most of you who are reading this know, and maybe I even blogged about it and forgot, but I have had a headache since, best as I can remember, October of 2007. Honestly, I think this headache has been the culmination of many, many years not taking care of myself physically, emotionally, or spiritually in the way I should have.

I remember growing up, as my parents will attest, that if I didn't go out and run around for two or three days, I ended up pretty grumpy and being an overall pain in the rear end. Since I moved to Iowa, and even to an extent in Wisconsin before that, I go months without going outside and running around. I have replaced it with work, work, and more work.

I genuinely believe that this lack of exercise, combined with a perfectionist approach to the world, has led me down a not-so-fun path. A path of not only never being satisfied, but to a slowly decaying sense of well being that has spanned about 8 or 9 years. Don't get me wrong, I can intellectually realize how blessed I am to have all I have. But my day-to-day experience is more one of numbness, a pursuit of seeking relief from the perfectionistic goals. Goals I have set for myself for the sake of whatever I perceive perfection to be at any given moment in time. It's one of those vicious circle things that doesn't really ever end. Try as I might to externalize all of this as someone or something else's fault, I must own 100% of it.

I was having a conversation about one particular portion of my life that this impacts with one of my very best friends Roach. Roach and I have been through an awful lot together. College drama, check. Work drama, check. Moral drama, check. Girl drama, check. I can take pretty much anything to him, and know that he will provide me with wisdom and support. Roach recently got engaged to an awesome girl, and I can't put into words how happy I am for him. They are most deserving of each other, and their life together will be grand and will glorify the Lord I know.

It had been some time since we had a good heart-to-heart. I don't know why really. It just was. But it was great to have one the other night. I'll save some of the details :). But he reiterated a wonderful bit of wisdom several times to me, wisdom that relates to love. Love of family and friends. Love in couples. Love for Jesus. Love. How we need love. How we are built for love, both to give and to receive.

This wisdom stood opposed to how I was feeling about myself and the idea of love. It also serves as a giant mallet to the wall of numbness that surrounds me. Numbness that has set in due to my distance from God, a result of my trying to pursue Novocain to sooth the hurt that comes from love gone astray.

Now, for my regular qualifier so people don't worry...I haven't resorted to a life of addiction, etc. I am ok in that regard. My novocain has been much more subtle, and mainly in removing myself further and further into my own mind, and then turning off my mind to many feelings in an effort to not have the loss of love pain my soul.

But we weren't made to live that way. Roach's words stay with me. He is right, but I don't want to admit it. I love my parents, my brother, my sister-in-law. This is safe. I love Roach. This is safe. Not to diminish those relationships. Just the opposite. That love stands in many ways as the glimmer of hope I have that love is still possible.

In the movie, Into the Wild, the main character is in search of freedom, as he puts it. God's love is all around us he says at one point. We can see it everywhere if we look for it. "So true," I said to myself sitting on my couch, in front of my 55-inch TV. As I was watching this movie unfold, I wondered how it would end. I won't spoil it for folks who haven't seen it. I'll just say I knew the general arch of the story before I watched it. Here is what I'll say though. The real motivation for this character's travels, his motivation, was masked behind his story of pursuing freedom.

Again, without spoiling it for anyone, this story was about love and companionship. I didn't even see it until the end. Despite all of the bravery of this character, it was about love and companionship.

Why can't I get myself off the mark? Am I really so fragile? I am. I am.

Once upon a time, I used to believe that it was ok to be fragile. Even to be admired for recognizing it, but doing what was necessary to take care of yourself, so you didn't break. I give the lip service often, but don't genuinely believe it. At least, not for myself. Not again. But I want to. At least, I want to start believing that it's ok to love.

I am grateful for the love I do have. I would be totally lost without it. There seems to be one huge relationship I need to take the plunge with. I have been told repeatedly that love will always be reciprocated, no matter what I do in this relationship. But I've got the lies in my head to lead me astray. But it's right there. How does the children's song go? I think we're all at least familiar with the first line: "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..."

I fight this liking a bucking bronco. I don't want to. I want the sweet release of just diving into this loving relationship. My soul desperately needs it. Yes, God's love can been seen everywhere, not just in people. But God made us to leave each other as well. And to love Him. I want to, I don't want to fight it. I don't, I don't, I don't.

My mind won't stop. I need it to stop. I want it to focus on nurturing my relationship with God. I feel like I've been wandering in the wild for years, running from Him but making sure it doesn't look like I'm trying to run away, even to myself. But I have been. I want to gobble it all up at once, to sprint straight towards Him all at once. Failure to get to Him right away is failure.

But this is twisted, I know. Sprint, absolutely. But we wouldn't have needed Jesus to die for us if all was just fine and dandy as it was. But it wasn't, and it isn't for me today. Where is that balance between knowing that as a sinner I will sin, and that it will be ok, but not to treat it like a get-out-of-jail-free card? I have no idea. I need to learn.

I am reading the Psalms right now. Very slowly, but I am reading them. I am no psalmist like David. But here is a prayer that is just sort of flowing from me right now:

Lord, I so desperately want and need you, but I keep running away instead. When it's convenient and easy, I'll dip my toe in the water for people to see. To make myself feel like I'm heading down the right path. But I don't keep it there for long. And rarely is it ever more than a toe or two at a time at that.

It's scary. I don't know why I am scared of You. Maybe it's just that I'm scared to let go of the things that I have propping me up. I won't know how to stand. I'm afraid to lean on You. Lord, you know I am a sinner's sinner. You know my heart, as much as I don't want You to.

Lord, I need your help. I can't keep my mind and soul quiet long enough to speak to You hardly ever, much less be in Your word or listen to You in the many ways I know You try to communicate with me. In other words, my relationship with You, from my end of it, is a mess. I don't feel like I deserve Your efforts, yet You still linger there, just waiting to be my everything.

So, I'm asking You in a pretty public way here, please help me. I want to be with You every day. I want You to feel love coming back from me. I may continue to need many years of healing on the love front outside of my those I've got in my heart now, and with You for that matter, but please help me.

It's hard to feel it deeply at the moment, but I know You are awesome. Help to quiet my troubled soul, so I can hear You. I want to hear You, and I want to love You first and foremost. Thank You, God. Thank You.

Whew! That's quite a dump, huh? Reading this blog is not for the faint of heart. This is where I come to dump, a lot. Call it a pity party if you'd like. Ok, most of you wouldn't do that :). But I need this place, and thank anyone who has made it all the way to the end of this blog. Thanks very, very much. You are a blessing to me.

The Luxery of Ceiling Fans and Other Misguided Desires

This may sound like a bit of a broken record, but I'm really wanting to get back into this blog a bit. We'll see how I do.

Pastor Mike gave a really good sermon on Sunday about the Psalms. He was actually introducing the first of several sermons based on the Psalms. It's not up on the web yet. But if you go here and look for the sermon dated 2009.05.30, you'll be in the right place. It should be up in the next day or two I'd guess.

Anywho, Pastor always makes several great points during his sermons. One that really stuck with me is how beautiful the Psalms are. I have to admit, I've tried to dig into Psalms several times, with this anticipation of how great they are supposed to be. But then, I just can't get into it. Which stinks, because I'd really like to get into them. So, I'm giving it another shot.

This is actually the segway into my real points of this blog.

Expectations. We all have them. Growing up, like most every little child I've ever met, my expectations were usually pretty high. I'd like to believe I was an optimist. I think I still am, actually, by most accounts. Sometimes my expectations we met or exceeded, and other times not at all. Typical stuff. The thing that's getting me right now, at this point in my life, is how even when my expectations are met or exceeded with something, I tend to milk it so much that the thing I was enjoying so much no longer meets my expectations.

Here is a good example. I happened across this video a while back.



This video is just so beautiful on so many levels. Musically. Lyrically. And just watching God be so present in what is happening. I feel like I can see see this so clearly just by the expression on David Crowder's face. It's a beauty I can't describe. So what do I do...I sit and play it over and over and over again until I can't see the beauty as it once was. I just saturate myself to the point that I'm actually numb to everything else around me as well.

Back to Pastor's sermon. He talked about taking your time when you read the Psalms, to just be bathed in them. I am not good at this. Taking my time, just letting God lead the way. It has to be on my time, my terms. I feel so much better when I turn everything off, and just soak up the silence. Be present in God's word in the Bible, or in the other aspects of His creation.

I was sitting on my couch a couple of days ago, before Pastor's sermon actually. I was feeling a little warm, so I turned on my ceiling fan. I just sat there, windows open, ceiling fan on, everything else turned off. I just stared at my ceiling fan for a while, felt the cool breeze slowly sweep over me. It was heavenly. I just sat there, thinking "I can't believe someone was so awesomely inspired as to invent this luxurious invention known as the ceiling fan." Seriously, I just thought it was the most luxurious thing one could own, this thing that keeps you cool when you get too hot. I felt comfortable and blessed. Once I sat and enjoyed the fan for a few minutes, I went on to get some work done. And it wasn't too stressful or anything. I just did it. It was fine.

My point: enjoy all of God's blessings, no matter how big or small they may seem. Sounds easy enough, but it is SO HARD for me to do. But I have been encouraged by these events. So much so as to blog about it. As soon as I'm done with this blog, I'm going to turn on some more Jars music, sit in the dark for a bit, and then read some Psalms. Life is pretty good, I must say.

It's Not a Blog if you Don't Blog

Captain's Log,

April 4th, 2009, Des Moines, Iowa

We are under a winter-weather advisory through tomorrow night. I love snow as much as the next guy, but seriously?!?! This too shall pass.

I was in a meeting on Thursday night, and we were talking about our blog presence (more on this in a few sentences). Our blog hadn't been updated in over a week. One of our team members politely pointed out that it's not a blog if we don't blog regularly. He insisted that if we are going to have a blog that we need to keep it up-to-date. Mmm...this is familiar advice (yeah Roach, I'm talking to you). So here I am.

So, Thursday night...awesomeness. As some of you may know, I have the blessing and honor of helping out with a special needs ministry at my church called One Body. I have met so many amazing people through this ministry. And it has brought back my love of working with kids (see previous blog on numbness for a smidge of context on that). The father of a child we work with, to make a long story shorter, was called by God to start a village for adults with disabilities in the Des Moines area. At least, that's what he understands when he talks to God at the moment. He asked me to be a part of the team to start the initial development work.

This is quite an honor the way I see it. I find it very humbling, to help someone fulfill God's call to them. It is even cooler given how much time I spend trying to shut God's voice out of my life. I feel so awesome after spending time working on this. Not like "wow, I'm so great for giving my time to do this work." More like God just fills me up and teaches me when I'm helping out. That makes Henry Bear happy.

And since you asked, the name of this village, as of right now, will be Hope Village. Not to be confused with Lutheran Church of Hope where I attend. Hope Village is not officially connected to Lutheran Church of Hope. Spread that work, as we are already having trouble with that misconception. We are having our first informational meeting on Tuesday. At last count, we have about 130 people RSVPed to attend, and that's growing I think. Hey, that's a good thing for me to blog about. Mmm...

I have found that my desire to and following through with blogging is a great barometer of my mood. If I land here blogging, I'm feeling somewhat energized but typically still brooding over something. My brooding today isn't too bad actually. I've gotten some work done. I finished my taxes. I took a decent nap. About an average nap. Not great, but not bad. I'll take it. When I was little, I would never lay down to take a nap. Now, I'll lay down anywhere to catch some quick Zs. Ah, I'm all grown up.

I like that last time I talked about some music I've been listening to. I don't know if you did, but it's my blog, so I'm going to do it again. This time, I'll talk about a band I hadn't even heard of a month before, Paramore. There are several websites for them, but I prefer this one. They have free downloads there of their music. They seem to be geared mainly for the MTV crowd, which is certainly not a demographic I belong to anymore. But the band members are all Christian, and they are talented musicians. Several of their songs could be interpreted many ways, but the lyrics to many of their songs are beautiful examples of Christian faith. Right now, I'm digging this video the most. You should check it out.



One thing I decided, just now actually since I started this blog entry, is that I do not ask for prayers nearly enough. That might sound a bit selfish. First of all, I don't mean just on my behalf. I don't ask for prayers on others' behalf nearly enough either. But I need prayer. A lot. I have learned about this from the man who is spearheading the Hope Village above. He asks for prayer all the time, and it's awesome! So, here it goes. Please pray for:

• my friend John Dana as he leads the informational meeting for Hope Village Tuesday night at 7:00. Give him courage to speak in public, which is not something he is comfortable with. Pray that God would speak through John, so that those listening would understand God's plan for them in these efforts, whatever that may be.

• the agency I work for, and all those that work there. We have suffered job loss like so many other workplaces have. Pray that God would help those who are losing there jobs to find comfort in Him, and find employment quickly. Pray that the hurt for those who are losing their jobs and for those that remain that the pain subsides quickly. And finally, please pray that God's presence can be felt, and that we all glorify Him through these tough times in our actions, words, deeds, and thoughts.
  

• my continued healing from my headaches. Although they have improved greatly, I still have a while to go until I'm back to normal. Pray that if I am to continue carrying this burden, that I would gain greater understanding of how I can glorify God through this challenge.
  

That's my story this time. Hopefully I'll be back here soon :).

Bloggin' Ain't So Bad

Every year, I leave my Christmas blog up for a while before updating my blog. Since I send out the email about it with Hotmail, some folks don't get the message right away because it lands in their spam folder. But it's time to update the blog. So here I am. For those of you who have read my blogs in the past, you know that this is one of my main forums to discuss things that are on my mind that I'm trying to resolve for myself. Sort of like the closing scene in Doogie Howswer back in the day. But hopefully more sophisticated. These are the thoughts I carry around with me from day to day.

Over the past two years or so, I've had to keep my time in front of computers to a minimum due to some pretty heavy-duty headache problems. Although I still have the headaches, they are contained much better now.

The other thing, and I think it's probably related, is that I've really not wanted to blog. Not one bit. Actually, I think a great deal of it has been because of the headaches. I just really haven't had much of anything going through my mind for a long time but trying to get healed up. That doesn't make for much captivating writing inspirations.

Thankfully, I'm slowly but surely coming out of the numb funk I've been in for a long, long time. As a matter of fact, I've had some recent revelations about myself that I think are be really important for me to keep healing.

When I was younger (I won't claim oldness yet at 31), as I am now I suppose, I was a pretty wound-up perfectionist. This could lead to me doing well at things I wanted to do well at, like school and sports. Granted, I fell short of my standards quite often, but overall it worked for me. As anyone reading this knows, having a perfectionist approach to friendships and relationships doesn't usually end on a happy note. It's just unfair to the person or persons you are trying to maintain a friendship/relationship with. That didn't stop me from trying, which ultimately ended up as a major letdown for me.

So what's my point? I guess to be more direct about it, with some of the physical healing I've been experiencing, it's helped me realize that I've got some more issues to address in my relationships with people. I hope that those I care about understand that I care about and love them.

As weird as it might sound, I crave some of the emotional roller coasters that come when you really engage in a friendship or relationship. I realize that I've been numbing myself to this as to not experience the hurt part of that roller coaster. And in doing so, I've missed out on the absolute joyfulness that I know could be there if I'd open myself to it.

The crazy part is, in some ways, I am very happy here in Des Moines. My life is pretty settled compared to many points in my life before. I have a job, a house, a great church, awesome friends. There really isn't a whole lot of reason I should be holding back from that perspective.

I think I'll talk about how I got into this state of numbness some other time. And just to put anyone at ease who might be worried, I haven't started abusing things that would be bad for me like drugs or alcohol. No, it's more been a combination of just burying myself in work, and generally mentally closing myself off from things, and avoiding situations that could result in my being emotionally exposed.

But if there is a silver lining in all of this, I believe that these headaches have really forced me to think about these things. And to be grateful for what I have. As I've been going through these thoughts and emotions over the past few weeks especially, I keep coming back to the same thing. The one solution I seem to steadfastly fight against, even though I want to give in. I really, really do.

To just turn over my whole life to God. This idea just freaks me out. I just can't seem to let go. I fight it every day. I don't want to fight. I know life would be so much more beautiful if I could. I would appreciate any prayers you can muster for this. Courage to let go. It would be so beautiful.

On a much lighter and somewhat related note, I've been digging on a band the last couple of weeks I had completely forgotten about. I've taken to just tying in names of songs or bands into YouTube. You can just about anything on YouTube as far as music goes, often rare live and acoustic performances. It's awesome. Anyway, and I can't remember how I landed on it, but I ran back across a band I had completely forgot about for I'm guessing more than two years. That band is Flyleaf. One of the coolest videos I've seen by then is for their song Fully Alive.

They have a pretty cool story, and I think the music is pretty darn good. This version of the song is acoustic. The original version is a lot harder and faster. I love both. Check it out if you are so inclined.

Tomorrow I will be in a training most of the day. I'm guessing it will be just fine. I'm heading to Minnesota to do some work and hanging out with friends this weekend, which I always enjoy. And I plan on getting some good rest tonight. All in all, that's some good stuff.

God's blessings folks, I'll try to be back here soon.

Christmas Blog 2008

Merry Christmas, and welcome to my annual Christmas blog. This blog is coming to you from a different address this year, as I inadvertently deleted my old blog. It’s a long story. At any rate, I come to you here today to tell you what’s been going on since last Christmas. As usual, I have been incredibly blessed this year.

This is my sixth year living in Iowa. I continue to live in Urbandale, Iowa, specifically. Although I never pictured myself living in Iowa at all, I am really enjoying it. I have wanted to slow down and grow some roots in a place for a long time, and I have been able to do that here. It's fantastic. Work, family, friends, and faith have all continued to be fantastic in my humble little city.

At work, I have been living the dream. Granted, my dreams are a bit unique as far as work goes, but that’s how it’s been for me. I still work for Heartland Area Education Agency 11 in the Des Moines, Iowa area. I am getting the chance to focus on work in curriculum alignment, research, and consultation that I spent years preparing for. Iowa is embarking on an incredibly large and important initiative to advance teaching and learning by leaps and bounds. These efforts have great potential to support teachers and students if we fully capitalize on this opportunity. And I get to be in the room for a great deal of it. It’s a dream and an honor for me.

All is good on the family front. My brother and sister-in-law are still living in Lancaster, CA. They continue to make progress with their church-planting efforts. The name of their church is The Well. I have absolutely no clue how to do anything they are doing, but from where I’m sitting, it’s a monumentally huge task. I’m very proud of everything they have accomplished so far, and what they will certainly accomplish in the future.

My folks continue to be happy and healthy in St. Louis. My mom is still teaching, and my dad still works for True Value Hardware doing a variety of things, including a heavy dose of driving delivery trucks around the city. I’m lucky to be able to see them fairly often. They were able to visit and see my church’s new worship center, and we got to hang out and relax together. Here’s hoping they get to settle into a new house soon (knock on wood), kick back, and relax even more.

I continue to believe that I have the greatest friends in the world. At work, at church, and all over the country. I have always been blessed to have friends that have amazing character and integrity. I never feel the need to be anyone but myself with them. Most years at this time, I am also thinking about my friends that moved away from Iowa. I inevitably forget to name someone here who is dear to me. I have to give a belated, one-year delayed shout out to my buddy Luke who with his wife moved back home to Michigan. I’m pretty convinced Luke’s and my family must have been at least distant relatives several generations ago somewhere in Europe. It’s crazy. What up Luke!

Anyway, my friend Stephanie decided to move to Hawaii, which by all accounts has been a great fulfillment of her longing for a great life adventure. And she is missed by me and many others back in Iowa. This year, I have had the great opportunity to actually have a friend move back after having moved away. My friend Jen, along with her kids, are back in Iowa from Washington. Thankfully, we were able to keep touch while she was gone. Nevertheless, it’s much better having her back in Iowa.

In addition to all of these blessings, I am very grateful for God’s willingness to always be with me, regardless of how much I fight it kicking and screaming sometimes. I have watched God bless those around me in such wonderful ways. The One Body special needs ministry continues to grow, well beyond the walls of Lutheran Church of Hope. I can only hope that my contributions to this ministry are even a fraction of the blessing I get from being a part of it. And it blows me away every time I get to worship there. It’s absolutely amazing, moving every time.

Most of all, I want to thank anyone reading this blog. I may talk to you a little or a lot, or maybe we have yet to talk face to face. Regardless, I am grateful you took the time to read some of my thoughts here today. And to those of you that I already know, please know that you are loved by me. I hope that this year has been great to you. And I hope that this next year is even better.

God’s Blessings,

Brad

Starting Over

Well, I suppose that when one doesn't attend to his blog for months, and accidentally deletes his Google account in the interim, then one's blog may very well get deleted. Such is the case for yours truly. So, here I am today, new blog and all.

Since I wasn't expecting my blog to have disappeared, I haven't planned anything in particular to write. I am currently kickin' it old school with Roach. We've been watching Cardinals games all weekend. We've gone hiking, and smoked painfully cheap cigars. And apparently, slowed down substantially as we've reached the milestone of walking the earth for 30 fine years. Nevertheless, a good time has been had. He'll be heading back to the Lou soon.

Beyond that, I'm in full relaxation mode. The weekends are good for me to catch up on much needed rest. It's been an adventurous year, really. I haven't blogged about my health woes at all. No need to put it all here. Suffice to say, I've had a headache for over a year. It's getting better, but it's a very long road. But I am glad to be on the mend. I have received many blessings as a result of having the health. I've had a renewed focus on my mental, physical, and spiritual well-being, and a better more realistic perspective on taking care of myself.

Beyond that, I am quite hungry at the moment, and must feed my belly. I'll try to find some inspiring topics to blog about :).